About Me

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Kennesaw, Georgia, United States
My name is Billie, I am a 43 year old mother of two. I have been mostly losing the battle of the bulge for the past 20+ years, now I'm ready to lose it for good. Come along on my journey to beat the battle.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Phil 4:13

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Learning Perservance

Hard rows to hoe are part of producing an abundant crop. Trying to lose weight and get more physically fit is hard work. It's a daily battle for me, or should I say a full-fledged war. But I am in this for life! My journey has been one of losing, gaining and beginning again. Even though I may lose a battle or two (and believe me I have) we will win this war!

Right now along with my war on weight loss, I am also having a parental war. I have always been the mother that no other mother wants to have around their kids, but the kids love me. I have never been super strict on my kids, I have tried to allow them to be their own persons. My ex always called me a liberal mother, which isn't entirely a bad thing, right? We have never had a lot of money, so my kids are by no means spoiled, but they do have their own opinions on things. I let my kids learn from their mistakes, not tell them what the outcome is going to be because I've already been there. Who knows the outcome may be different, you never know. But they always learn. And I think they have turned out pretty good. They are now 23 and 18. In my relationships I have never had a partner who had the same views on parenting as I do, so to say this caused riffs in my relationships is an understatement.

My son just turned 18 and finally got his license, but he has no car of his own. At this time I cannot afford to buy him a car, nor does he have a job so he can buy a car, so he is borrowing my car. Which is what I let his sister do, and I got her an inexpensive car when I could afford it.

Now the problem comes with my husband. He thinks my son should only be allowed to drive to and from to find a job, he should not be allowed to drive where ever he wants to. Now how many teenagers don't get to drive around and hang out with their friends??? He puts gas in the car, so what's the harm. He is a safe driver. My husband's argument is this puts wear and tear on the car. Well, yea but me driving everyday to work also does. I'm not really sure what the problem is here, but the solution, I am afraid, is not going to be a good one.

I am a Godly woman and I think that when you get married God makes you one, HOWEVER...if this is how it's going to be, a constant argument about my kids, I really don't need it. I have enough stress in my life the way it is. Why have a constant argument about my kids to add to it?

I have been trying to be positive lately. I have been going through alot of HELL, and I find that if I can find one positive thing to focus on, things are little more bearable. How am I going to find a positive in this? Sometimes trying to put up a good front becomes too much to bear.

Last night was one of those times when it became too much to bear. I had a really bad day at work, came home with the beginnings of a migraine. My son had texted me to ask if he could use my car again today. So in asking my husband if he could go in early to work, so I was not late again (the start of my bad day at work), he gave me an answer of "if I have to", or something to that effect. He says I took it wrong, but I think that's exactly what he meant. And then he proceeded to give me the wear and tear on the vehicle speech. The migraine is getting worse by the second, and I still have to cook dinner. Luckily I had a frozen bag meal that takes only 15 minutes to prepare. My husband and I are "discussing" the car issue as I cook dinner and my mother-in-law comes in to tell me of something my son did earlier in the day that she didn't agree with. I. of course, trying to keep the peace just said ok I'll talk to him, and appeared to just go on with what I was doing. But it was eating at me inside, I have no one on my side here. Everyone is against my son. So I get dinner on the table, and as I'm sitting there trying to eat a little of whatever it was I cooked for dinner, I just start crying. Trying not to show this emotion is harder that it appears while sitting at the dinner table. I eat a little, get the dishes cleaned up and go to my room for some migraine pills and a wet wash cloth to hide my tears. After a while of just laying there by myself I was beginning to feel better, if that is at all possible. Then the hubby comes in to discuss it...I must say there is no discussing my son with someone who does not have kids and either had no life during his teenage years or cannot remember them. So of course this lead to a bigger argument.

My whole mindframe is if something were to happen to me, who is going to take care of my son? My husband (and my mother-in-law) always say he will always have a home there, but really??? Will he feel this is his home when everyone is trying to stifle his life? I know he's 18 and an "adult", but is he really ready for life in the outside world, with no one to fall back on?

I know this is a heavy post for a weight loss blog, but...this kind of stress in my life leads to my food addiction. And last night if I had had a bottle of something or some money to go buy something, I would have so been drinking. It was just that kind of night. And I know that those kind of behaviors do not lead to good things, but it was just that kind of night.

All that said, I do feel somewhat better now. The sun is shining and I am alive, still a little bit of migraine, but all in all it's getting better. The food has not been overly bad today. I did have a cupcake for breakfast, only 220 calories, but I had skipped breakfast so not too bad.

2 lowfat, sugar free vanilla lattes
1 cupcake
3 pieces of chocolate candy
2 turkey hotdogs (45 calories each)
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 banana

Haven't decided on dinner yet, but hopefully it will go better than last night.

So for now, a prayer

Lord, today I start fresh. I am ready to begin again. In my weaknesses You are strong. When I fall, You so graciously pick me up and set me on Your solid ground, again. Thank You for Your gift of grace. May I walk in Your strength and power today, one step at a time.

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