About Me

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Kennesaw, Georgia, United States
My name is Billie, I am a 43 year old mother of two. I have been mostly losing the battle of the bulge for the past 20+ years, now I'm ready to lose it for good. Come along on my journey to beat the battle.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Phil 4:13

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Hump Day, Biggest Loser and New Followers

This is pretty much how my life is, When my ship sets sail, I will have either forgotten the day, or I'll be at the airport.

Whew!!! It is finally Wednesday. Everyone is always telling me I'm wishing my life away, just wishing for the weekend to get here sooner. Well I guess that's true, but the weeks just drag by and then my weekend flies by. I'm looking for a new prospective on life, so maybe when I find that I won't always be wishing my life away.

Speaking about new prospective, I have been listening to a Tony Robbins podcast (I guess you would say), I'm not really sure where it came from, but I started listening to it yesterday. Hence the reason I'm looking for a new prospective...It is called "Get the Edge". I just started listening yesterday, so I'm not that far into it, but with a great motivational speaker I'm sure it'll be great.

The Biggest Loser - I actually missed the first episode of the Biggest Loser, but it's on my On Demand, so when I get some time I'm going back to watch it (hopefully). But I did watch the second episode yesterday. I don't know why, but I get great motivation from seeing Jillian push someone to their limits. I know that I would give up the first week. When I'm working out, and I'm at the point where I think I can't go any further, I think what would Jillian scream at me at this point? Then I can go a little further.

But the weigh in's were awesome last night. How can one person lose 41 pounds in 2 weeks? Is that really possible? How much do they work out there? And if they are all cooking, eating and working out together, how can some lose that much and others only lose 12 pounds? I would love to win the lottery and be able to have a personal nutritionist, cook and personal trainer. But would that make it all better?

Tammy and I were discussing this just this morning, does the time that the contestants have on the ranch really give the time to mentally prepare for what is ahead? Does this "fast" weight loss give them enough time to wrap their mind around the mental aspect of the weight loss? The girl that was voted off last night (Allie) was 22 and had had gastric bypass surgery at the age of 14. First of all why would someone do that to their child? Is that really the only way that a child of 14 can lose weight? And it didn't work !!!!

Yeah!!! I have new Followers. I just noticed I am up to 26 now. Yeah me!!! Now I'm going to have to step up my game on this blogging thing. Sometimes I get lazy or busy and don't have enough time to blog, not enough time to read blogs, not enough time to comment on blogs. But I'm hoping to get better at this.

Last week I talked about inspiration. I read some great blogs and get a little inspiration from each one. But lately I've been going through a lot of things, some people say I have the worst luck of anyone they know, but sometimes things get in the way of our journey. I am going to do this, I am on this journey to get this done. It will probably take me longer than I anticipated, but I will get it done.

Quote for the day -

Try accepting the things in your life instead of focusing on wishes that might never happen. Life can be tough, but avoid wasting all you energy focusing on it because you still have a lot to live for.
You control you emotions.
Your thoughts and actions have to coexist with desires in order to function. Instead of being down about life, think about your goals and how you can accomplish them. Keep your thoughts positive, visualize the life you want every day and move towards your goal by working on your next plan of action.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Inspiration & the Biggest Loser

Ok this pic has nothing to do with my post, but thought it was good.
I have been inspired. All the blogs I read are inspirational, but two or three imparticular (all are listed on my blog roll).

The first one is Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. I started reading his blog last year and have found it very inspirational. It keeps me going sometimes when I think I cannot go any further. He has been at this for a long time and has lost a great deal of weight, and doing it the healthy way on his own. I have learned alot from his blog, and can't wait for the book (a definiate buy, even on my strict budget).

Secondly, is my friend Tammy at From Fat to Fab. She got me started blogging, and actually wanting to lose this weight. I kept telling her I wasn't ready to get started again, yet. We even worked out together for a while, but life and circumstances got in the way, and we have found different workout partners. I have found her blog very motivational, and inspiring also. She also trained my hubby to eat healthier when they were roommates, so he really doesn't mind eating the healthy stuff I cook.

And thirdly, is Pam from The Rest of The Journey. She has inspired me to do a half marathon and also to do the Biggest Loser Husband vs Wife Challenge. She has a lot of good ideas, and is very motivational. I have also stolen some of her recipes (From Apples to Zucchini) and the hubby loves most of them.

I also stole this badge from Pam (hope it's alright) !!!! I would make my own, but apparently I am not that smart.

I'm not sure if the hubby is totally on board with the Biggest Loser Husband vs Wife Challenge, but he told me he would do it if it makes me happy. He always wants to make me happy.

So we started our Challenge on Monday, but we are going to do our weigh ins on Friday. Our starting weights were:

Billie 198

Shane 220

For our first weigh in our results are:

Billie 196 ( -2)

Shane 219 ( -1)

That's just a smidge over 1% of percentage of body weight lost, so we aren't going to count that just yet.

We really didn't get off to a tremendous start, we have been watching what we eat and I am cooking healthier. We haven't gotten the exercise worked in yet, but we will be doing that next week.

There was a lot of stressful situations this week. I had a migraine for three days and only got six hours sleep in three days, which is a big reason I did not get in any exercise. That and the fact we haven't joined the gym yet. I know, I know we could walk around the neighborhood or go to the park, but it's just not really the same to me. It feels as if I'm not really working out.

I LOVE THE BIGGEST LOSER!!!! I was so excited about the premiere episode this week, and then I had a family emergency and missed it. It shows on the On Demand listing, but this episode has not shown up in the list yet. I'm hoping it's there tonight so I can watch it. I saw the first 20 minutes of it and then had to leave the house and didn't get back until 3am. I really hate to see people struggle so much, but it's inspirational and motivational to see that they can do it. I'm not one to push myself further than I think I can go. I'd be the one that just quits because my knee hurts or I'm out of breath. Just because it's too hard.

I did attempt a bike ride earlier in the week, mainly just goofing off with the kids, but boy am I out of shape. I only went about a 10th of a mile, if that. The first little bit was great, it was downhill. Then comes the hard part back up the hill the to the driveway. I got about two driveways up and had to stop and walk the rest of the way. I couldn't catch my breath and had to sit down. Now it could have been the fact that it was the 2nd day of the migraine, but probably not. Probably more likely that it was I'm just out of shape!!!

But anyhow, I'm back on track and we're going to do this !!!!! Yes we are !!!!

I am trying to put on a happy face and get through the stress that is bogging me down. Gotta get to working out, eating right and drinking my water. This challenge will help me to get ready for that half marathon I am bound and determined to do next year. I will do it!!!!

I found these quotes on Goals & Goal Setting, Words to live by

The virtue lies in the struggle not the prize. - Robert Monckton Milnes

It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Who aims at excellence will be above mediocrity; who aims at mediocrity will be far short of it. - Burmese Saying

In absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily acts of trivia - Author Unknown

Friday, September 17, 2010

God does answer prayer...and Weigh Day

Well first I'll report on my weigh day, weighed in at 198 !!!! Back to One-derland, and planning on staying there. That is a 2lb loss this week. Good for me. It's been a rough week, I've tried to watch what I eat, but sometimes stress just gets to ya.

Yesterday, there were cupcakes lurking in the office from a birthday the day before. OK, Ok, I bought them for the birthday, that's my job as office manager, I take care of the details of the office. But I really thought I'd be able to resist them. I did have one on the birthday, but Tammy looked up the calories and I figured it into my budget for that day. Yesterday, they were still there. Tammy even asked if I wanted to split one with her, and I said no. We ordered lunch out yesterday, not a bad lunch I had a roasted chicken, spinach & artichoke wrap. Sounded good (and healthy) but they didn't have a calorie count online. However, as I was getting ready to leave the office I stopped to clean up the kitchen and those cupcakes were there calling my name...Lord help me, I just had to have one. I wasn't even hungry, the sweet tooth just got the better of me. Today, if all the cupcakes are not gone, they go in the trash.

Dinner was good, I had made Shepherd's Pie the night before, so we had leftovers.

Today's food has been ok. I had Oatmeal with 1/4C of skim milk; 2 non-fat, sugar free vanilla lattes (my weakness - much like Starbucks but I make my own); a Chicken Melt sandwich and cottage cheese; an apple and a handful of grapes. I not sure what I'm making for dinner yet, but it will be something with Chicken and veggies (squash, zucchini, peppers and onions - and I need to throw some mushrooms in there too).

I have still not been working out. I have been so busy and stressed with other things going on that I just haven't gotten there. We have not joined the new gym yet, hopefully this week, then there's no excuses.

Now to my answered prayers. To those who have read my blog you know that I have been in some financial difficulties because my ex sued me, and I was looking at having to pay his attorney fees of about $3500. Well last night after I got my paycheck transferred to the savings account and the rent money from my rental house transferred, I pulled out the order to see how much I was going to be short. For some reason I thought when I looked at the paper it was $3,511, but when I got it out last night it was $3,302. With all the money I had been putting into my savings account (no bills were paid this month), I had a total of $3,343. I DID IT!!!!! I have all the money needed to keep me from going to jail. I have been praying and stressing about this. I finally just gave it all to God and said this is what I have, if it's your will for me to go to jail so be it. God did not want me to go to jail apparently, and I have all the money together. We are going to the bank Saturday morning and get the certified check.

God is good if you just trust in Him and don't lose your faith. Now to put this weight thing in his hands. I can do it !!!! I just have to put forth a little more effort and it is possible.

2 Corinthian 12:9 says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." How can I be so weak? How many times do I have to fall before I get it right? Questions like these have plagued me for years - many years. I was familiar with failure. In fact, I was so comfortable with it that accepting a gift like God's incredible favor and grace was difficult for me to comprehend, let alone embrace as truth in my life. I am learning how Christ could work powerfully through me because of my shortcomings He gave me something I hadn't had in a long time - hope.

Now I no longer have to pretend to be strong. I can admit my mistakes, mishaps and failures, and I have a God who loves and forgives me anyway.

Today is today and tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning, a fresh start.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Learning Perservance

Hard rows to hoe are part of producing an abundant crop. Trying to lose weight and get more physically fit is hard work. It's a daily battle for me, or should I say a full-fledged war. But I am in this for life! My journey has been one of losing, gaining and beginning again. Even though I may lose a battle or two (and believe me I have) we will win this war!

Right now along with my war on weight loss, I am also having a parental war. I have always been the mother that no other mother wants to have around their kids, but the kids love me. I have never been super strict on my kids, I have tried to allow them to be their own persons. My ex always called me a liberal mother, which isn't entirely a bad thing, right? We have never had a lot of money, so my kids are by no means spoiled, but they do have their own opinions on things. I let my kids learn from their mistakes, not tell them what the outcome is going to be because I've already been there. Who knows the outcome may be different, you never know. But they always learn. And I think they have turned out pretty good. They are now 23 and 18. In my relationships I have never had a partner who had the same views on parenting as I do, so to say this caused riffs in my relationships is an understatement.

My son just turned 18 and finally got his license, but he has no car of his own. At this time I cannot afford to buy him a car, nor does he have a job so he can buy a car, so he is borrowing my car. Which is what I let his sister do, and I got her an inexpensive car when I could afford it.

Now the problem comes with my husband. He thinks my son should only be allowed to drive to and from to find a job, he should not be allowed to drive where ever he wants to. Now how many teenagers don't get to drive around and hang out with their friends??? He puts gas in the car, so what's the harm. He is a safe driver. My husband's argument is this puts wear and tear on the car. Well, yea but me driving everyday to work also does. I'm not really sure what the problem is here, but the solution, I am afraid, is not going to be a good one.

I am a Godly woman and I think that when you get married God makes you one, HOWEVER...if this is how it's going to be, a constant argument about my kids, I really don't need it. I have enough stress in my life the way it is. Why have a constant argument about my kids to add to it?

I have been trying to be positive lately. I have been going through alot of HELL, and I find that if I can find one positive thing to focus on, things are little more bearable. How am I going to find a positive in this? Sometimes trying to put up a good front becomes too much to bear.

Last night was one of those times when it became too much to bear. I had a really bad day at work, came home with the beginnings of a migraine. My son had texted me to ask if he could use my car again today. So in asking my husband if he could go in early to work, so I was not late again (the start of my bad day at work), he gave me an answer of "if I have to", or something to that effect. He says I took it wrong, but I think that's exactly what he meant. And then he proceeded to give me the wear and tear on the vehicle speech. The migraine is getting worse by the second, and I still have to cook dinner. Luckily I had a frozen bag meal that takes only 15 minutes to prepare. My husband and I are "discussing" the car issue as I cook dinner and my mother-in-law comes in to tell me of something my son did earlier in the day that she didn't agree with. I. of course, trying to keep the peace just said ok I'll talk to him, and appeared to just go on with what I was doing. But it was eating at me inside, I have no one on my side here. Everyone is against my son. So I get dinner on the table, and as I'm sitting there trying to eat a little of whatever it was I cooked for dinner, I just start crying. Trying not to show this emotion is harder that it appears while sitting at the dinner table. I eat a little, get the dishes cleaned up and go to my room for some migraine pills and a wet wash cloth to hide my tears. After a while of just laying there by myself I was beginning to feel better, if that is at all possible. Then the hubby comes in to discuss it...I must say there is no discussing my son with someone who does not have kids and either had no life during his teenage years or cannot remember them. So of course this lead to a bigger argument.

My whole mindframe is if something were to happen to me, who is going to take care of my son? My husband (and my mother-in-law) always say he will always have a home there, but really??? Will he feel this is his home when everyone is trying to stifle his life? I know he's 18 and an "adult", but is he really ready for life in the outside world, with no one to fall back on?

I know this is a heavy post for a weight loss blog, but...this kind of stress in my life leads to my food addiction. And last night if I had had a bottle of something or some money to go buy something, I would have so been drinking. It was just that kind of night. And I know that those kind of behaviors do not lead to good things, but it was just that kind of night.

All that said, I do feel somewhat better now. The sun is shining and I am alive, still a little bit of migraine, but all in all it's getting better. The food has not been overly bad today. I did have a cupcake for breakfast, only 220 calories, but I had skipped breakfast so not too bad.

2 lowfat, sugar free vanilla lattes
1 cupcake
3 pieces of chocolate candy
2 turkey hotdogs (45 calories each)
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 banana

Haven't decided on dinner yet, but hopefully it will go better than last night.

So for now, a prayer

Lord, today I start fresh. I am ready to begin again. In my weaknesses You are strong. When I fall, You so graciously pick me up and set me on Your solid ground, again. Thank You for Your gift of grace. May I walk in Your strength and power today, one step at a time.

Monday, September 13, 2010

I forget what day I'm on already

I had a pretty good weekend. Ended up volunteering at the farmers market on Saturday, and bought some fresh veggies. My husband and I like fresh veggies, and my friend Tammy told me a great way to cook them with olive oil cooking spray in the oven, therefore, no extra added oil.

So volunteering brings early mornings, we have to be there by 7:30 to set up, which leaves little time for breakfast. Made my low fat, sugar free vanilla latte at home to bring with me, and stopped by McDonalds to get the hubby an egg mcmuffin. I decided on just a plain bagel. After the farmers market we had to run errands with the in-laws, so we were at the mall at lunch time. Dad wanted a Gyro, he doesn't usually eat so we went to the Gyro place. I probably should have looked up to see how many calories I had eaten, but did not. I had a gyro wrap without the sauce, just the meat and lettuce. It was yummy, but like I said calories are unknown at this time. I was going to run by the store on the way home to get a few groceries but it was getting close to time for my son to be home, so I decided not to go. Mom said she had some lean ground beef laid out in the fridge that needed to be cooked that day, so I came up with something off the top of my head. I made a Salisbury steak type dish, with the ground beef, gravy and mushrooms. Made some fresh veggies with a potato cut up in it and some corn on the cobb. All in all it was a pretty good dinner, but again no calorie count.

SUNDAY was a whole different story. We had to be at church early. My husband and I are in charge of the coffee bar, so we make the coffee and set up all the things for coffee, so we have to be there early. So running a little late and once again no time for breakfast. Once I had drank my latte, I was starving. So we ran by Hardees to grab something. I used to work at Hardees in high school, and I love the cinnamon raisin biscuits. Needless to say these are not calorie friendly, but I got two of them anyhow. So I scarfed those down while getting the coffee ready. Then after church we all went out to the local pizza place. Since our church is new to this little town we try to go out to a local restaurant in the community every time we are in town. This place had the best smelling food, and I love Pizza. I could eat pizza three meals a day, although I know this is unhealthy, but has been done before. Anyhow, I opted for the house Calzone, this has lots of meats and cheeses, probably not calorie friendly either, and I ate the whole thing. I was miserable the rest of the day. All I wanted to do was go home and take a nap. Which I did not do. We went by the grocery store on the way home, and it was about 4:00 by the time we got home. So after getting the groceries put away and doing some things around the house, it was just too late for a nap.

Also, no exercise this weekend. I have got to start exercising.

Today, I found out that the gym we are going to join at my husband's work does not do payroll deductions for the gym membership which is what we thought they did, it all has to be paid in a lump sum. I know it's only $52, but when you're looking at having to pay $3500 to a stupid person by the 23rd, and you don't have it all some things have to be put on hold. And we will have to wait to see if I have all the money or if I'm going to jail. If I have all the money by the 23rd we will be joining when I get paid at the end of the month. If not I hear they have exercise facilities at the jail and three not so great meals a day. So I'll probably lose weight and exercise.

Quote for the day - Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work; you don't give up.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Day 3 & 4

Yesterday was a very good food day, got all my water down, but still no exercise.

I was at 1495 in the calorie department. I made some scrumptious turkey sausage and veggies for dinner. The hubby loved the veggies. He didn't eat the sausage, because he's had some stomach issues the past two days.

Today the food has been okay. Not sure on my calorie count yet, haven't had dinner yet. Although I did go away from my normal lunch and had a wrap from Johnny's pizza. It was a grilled chicken, bacon, ranch wrap. It was tasty, but haven't looked up the calories yet. The bacon and ranch probably did me in.

I had my normal Oatmeal with 1/2c milk and splenda for breakfast.

Right now we are pretty broke, with having to pay the ex's attorney fees because he sued me, so it's kinda slim pickins on the veggie front. Veggies are so expensive because it's getting to the end of the season on most things. I'm going to go to the farmers market and see if I can get some good deals. We have been volunteering with our church at a local farmers market in Canton, but the produce is getting to the end of the season and getting smaller and smaller. We'll probably go back up there tomorrow and see what we can find.

But we are just doing what we can do for now. I think that as long as I eat in moderation I'm still going to lose. We are definitely not eating out as much (like almost never), so that helps also.

Hopefully this will be a relaxing weekend. Maybe some farmers market tomorrow and church on Sunday and just some rest. This has been the longest 4 day work week I have ever had.

I am hopeful to blog more over the weekend, but sometimes I don't even get on the computer. I do hope to start at the gym on Monday. Hoping, hoping, hoping. I need to get moving, I feel like the eating right is nothing without the exercise.

Well for now, good night.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Day 2 - New Me

Day 2 didn't go too bad.

Last Wednesday my son turned 18. He had waited to get his drivers' license til he turned 18 because he didn't want to take the online drivers' education course I had gotten for him. He wanted to go to the drivers' education place and take the course and it was $500 and I wasn't paying that. So today I took him to get his drivers' license. He passed. He did really well for not really practicing, but of course he's had his learners permit for 4 years. We did the test in the morning, then I checked out a new gym at my husband's work, and then he brought me to work. It was the first day he has driven by himself...my baby. He said he was looking for a job, he did have one interview, then he had to pick up his girlfriend and then came back to pick me up. He and the girlfriend then went out and he was home by 10. I know that's an early curfew for an 18 year old, but I have to get up early for work so I told him to be home by 10. All actually went well.

It was also my father-in-law's birthday, so of course I had to have birthday cake and ice cream with him. He turned 65, you only do that once in life and he was so excited that Shane and I were there with him.

SO, before the cake and ice cream I was at 1475 for my calories for the day. I didn't even add the cake and ice cream because I know it would be way over my calorie budget for the day. But all in all it was a good day food wise.

I still have not got to the exercise portion on this new journey of mine. But I plan to start on Monday.

I was talking to Tammy (@ From Fat to Fab) about a half marathon she and a few other bloggers are going to be doing in November 2011 in Savannah. I am so going to do this. Not only will it be a vacation to Savannah, it will be a great goal to strive for. A half marathon...13 miles. That does seem like a long way when you are used to not doing anything. The farthest I have ever walked before (on the treadmill) was 4 miles. So I'm going to start on Monday to do work up to this. I was reading Pam's (@ the rest of the journey) blog from yesterday where she is talking about this half marathon, and I really like her 13 week plan. She is going to do interval walking training for the first six weeks to work up to the jogging/running for the half marathon. I think this is great. So starting Monday, I am going to start on the Plan. I will of course make my own modifications to the Plan, because I don't bike, I'll probably do elliptical and I will probably work out on different days. But I will definitely walk and do elliptical at least 5 days a week.

I am so excited that I have this goal to strive for. When there is a goal to strive for it is always easier to push yourself that extra mile.

For now I am headed home.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Day 1 of the New Me - Starting over

WOW, I feel like I'm really going to do this. I still have some stressors in life, but I'm trying to give it all to God and let him work on it for a while.

Day one went really well, I did really well with my eating and my water. I didn't get in any exercise though. I have cancelled my gym membership because of a problem with the training contract and them continuing to take my money even after I cancelled. But that's another stressor all in itself.

We are looking at another gym, that my husband has access to through work. It is small but for only $52 a year for both of us, how can we pass it up. We were each paying $20 a month at the other gym, so for the both of us it was $40 a month vs $4.33 a month.

I did good with my food for the first day. I am allowing myself 1500 calories for now, and yesterday I logged 1451, so all in all it was good. I need to add more fruit and veggies and cut out the lattes'. Although I have developed my own latte, which is only 93 calories each. I use skim milk, sugar free french vanilla creamer and coffee and I envision it tastes just like Starbucks. It really a mind over matter thing.

So all in all my first day back was pretty good.

Every time you face a challenger, you are being tested as to how strong your beliefs and intentions are. People who go through great hardships achieve greatness. Confront your challenges with a brave face. The greater the challenge, the greater the gift of power. - A.C. Ping

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Been Absent - But now I'm back

It's been a while, and a lot of things have happened. Some good, some bad, but a lot has gone on in the past 4 months.

Let's see - MAY ---STRESS --- I was served papers by my ex. He was suing me for contempt of court, because I could not keep up on the mortgage that was in both our names and I was contemplating bankruptcy. SO... talk about emotional eating, I had no clue how to get out of this one. The bankruptcy attorney told me I had to be three months past due on all the bills I
would include and so I was, now how was I to come up with three months of mortgage payments. I also had to get an attorney, how would I come up with this. EMOTIONAL EATING to say the least. And to top it all off, Shane's dad was back in the hospital and not doing well at all. He refuses to eat or drink. He has a lot of health issues, and he's not that old - only 64.

JUNE - Shane's dad still in hospital, getting worse. They really weren't sure if he would live. The only thing that was really keeping him going was the fact that he was going to be the best man in our wedding in October. He was only living for that. The doctor's had called us in and told us that they weren't sure he would make it, they called in cardiologists, gastro-interologists all kinds of doctors, but they couldn't find out exactly what was wrong with him. He was extremely malnourished, so they were going to put in a feeding tube. Shane and I decided that we were going to go ahead and get married at the hospital with just my kids, his mom and a select few friends. That way if his dad died, we could say that we had carried out his dying wish. It was very hard to make this decision. I had always wanted to have a nice wedding. I've been married twice before, and the first one was very small and the second one was at the justice of the peace. I had already purchased my dress and we were making plans. So to just have this small wedding was not at all what I planned. But I have to think of others also, so we made the decision to do it.

We are planning on renewing our vows in our church with our minister on our first anniversary. I will wear my wedding gown that I had already purchased and we will take a real honeymoon. So June 13, 2011 I must fit into my wedding dress. Hopefully it will have to be altered smaller.

Of course the day of the wedding, mother nature paid a visit, so the wedding night was not what I planned either.

One week later, while helping Shane move the rest of his stuff in. I was running from Shane, and my son accidentally tripped me, causing me to fall full force on my right knee. Fractured patella. Not fun, had to wear a leg brace for five weeks, no exercise, no driving (right knee-hard to drive with my leg straight).

Four days later, I had to be in court to answer the charges of contempt. I thought it was going to go in my favor for a few minutes, but alas the devil won again. He always seems to come out on top, no matter what the circumstance. So not only was I charged with contempt, I have to place the house on the market and keep all the payments current. AND I had 90 days to pay his attorney's fees. Great, now how was I to come up with $2995 (the figure they quoted in court)? I am by no means rich, I have a decent job, but the majority of my paycheck goes to paying back a loan that comes directly out of my check. So I live pay check to pay check. With Shane's added income, it would make the bills easier to pay, but not an additional $3000 in 90 days. SO...MORE STRESS AND EMOTIONAL EATING. There were some days I didn't know if I would make it through. I was very depressed and actually thought that if something dreadful happened to me, everyone would be better for it. I felt alone in many situations. My family was once very close, but now everyone lives somewhere else, so I have no emotional support from my family. They have their own lives, and I feel abandoned by them.

At a point in my life (before I had this loan to pay back) I was making pretty good money and I helped out my mom and my sister quite a great deal. But now my sister and her husband are doing pretty well for themselves and they have forgotten where they came from and what I had done for them. My mom moved to Las Vegas three years ago, to be closer to my sister because she thought I no longer had time for her because I was busy with work and my then-husband who had emotional needs that were more than I had ever imagined. She now lives in Wyoming with my sister. My older sister lives in Saudi Arabia and she does not talk to me. So this is why I feel abandoned.

My mother-in-law and my boss both suggested I get some kind of help for this depression I was in. But I just turned to food, it was the best medicine for me. After all it had been my friend for over 25 years.

JULY - I turned 44. This was a major emotional time for me. I looked at it as I was 44 years old and I had nothing. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I was still very depressed, and still eating emotionally. I couldn't figure out what to do to stop.

At some point, I did talk to a good friend of mine at church, and as I talked about all that was going on, I'm listening to myself and I'm like, what are you so depressed for, life will get better it can't always be like this. I have my kids, I have my husband, I have a few close friends, and I have my dogs. I have God and my church.

During this time, we were in the process of opening a new church campus. I poured myself into this, trying to find out why God was punishing me. What had I done so wrong in my life that I was being punished so severely. During July our Core Team for the new campus were meeting weekly at one of the team member's houses. It was such a bonding time for us. Just us and God.

AUGUST - The church did a Daniel Fast for 10 days before the new campus' Grand Opening. This really helped me immensely as there is a daily devotional that goes along with it. And as I prayed every day and fasted the light came on. I needed to get back to the task at hand, and get back on track with everything in my life. It wasn't going to get better on it's own, if I didn't take the bull by the horns, I was going to keep in going in this downward spiral, and it wasn't looking pretty. I could either keep on this path of destruction or I could make it better.

I finally got the house listed this month, so that's one monkey off my back. I still have to keep the payments up, while paying my present rent and bills, but I am getting some of the money back in rent from a tenant I have there. I was able to get a copy of the court Order, even though my attorney kept telling me one had not been signed. I finally went to the courthouse and just asked them, and low and behold there it was signed on July 16, and my attorney had told me that it was not signed yet on July 23. I think my attorney didn't know what the heck she was doing. Not only did I not feel I was represented adequately, but she refuses to return any of my phone calls since we were in court. She emails me responses to my phone calls (after I have called her at least 4 times). However, the court order says that I have to pay almost $3500 not the original $3000 that I was anticipating. And this has to be paid by September 23. I don't know how I am going to come up with this additional money, but somehow God willing I will have it, or I will go to jail. Now more added STRESS and Emotional Eating.

During the past 4 months I had gained back 15 pounds. During the fast I lost 5 of them.

SEPTEMBER - my baby boy turned 18 on September 1. This has been a constant battle also, as he has a girlfriend. They want her to move in with us (not happening), but she's here every weekend under the pretense that she is going to church with us. They then give me a hard time about getting up to go to church, so it's a constant battle. She is very disrespectful to her parents, which I will not put up with, and if my son thinks he is going to talk to me like she talks to her parents, I have already told him, he will be finding another place to live. Children think that when they turn 18 they are adults, and they can make all their own decisions. What makes them adults??? They have no jobs, no cars and no money. They depend on me to support them. I can no longer handle this, I will no longer take this.

Starting Tuesday (because Monday is a holiday and we already have plans for a cookout with the in-laws) I will be back on track. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE !!!!!

I have got to get this done. My feet and back kill me when I'm walking around all day. I am constantly tired and just plain worn out. When I'm not at work, I feel like I just want to sleep all the time.


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