About Me

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Kennesaw, Georgia, United States
My name is Billie, I am a 43 year old mother of two. I have been mostly losing the battle of the bulge for the past 20+ years, now I'm ready to lose it for good. Come along on my journey to beat the battle.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Phil 4:13

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Been Absent - But now I'm back

It's been a while, and a lot of things have happened. Some good, some bad, but a lot has gone on in the past 4 months.

Let's see - MAY ---STRESS --- I was served papers by my ex. He was suing me for contempt of court, because I could not keep up on the mortgage that was in both our names and I was contemplating bankruptcy. SO... talk about emotional eating, I had no clue how to get out of this one. The bankruptcy attorney told me I had to be three months past due on all the bills I
would include and so I was, now how was I to come up with three months of mortgage payments. I also had to get an attorney, how would I come up with this. EMOTIONAL EATING to say the least. And to top it all off, Shane's dad was back in the hospital and not doing well at all. He refuses to eat or drink. He has a lot of health issues, and he's not that old - only 64.

JUNE - Shane's dad still in hospital, getting worse. They really weren't sure if he would live. The only thing that was really keeping him going was the fact that he was going to be the best man in our wedding in October. He was only living for that. The doctor's had called us in and told us that they weren't sure he would make it, they called in cardiologists, gastro-interologists all kinds of doctors, but they couldn't find out exactly what was wrong with him. He was extremely malnourished, so they were going to put in a feeding tube. Shane and I decided that we were going to go ahead and get married at the hospital with just my kids, his mom and a select few friends. That way if his dad died, we could say that we had carried out his dying wish. It was very hard to make this decision. I had always wanted to have a nice wedding. I've been married twice before, and the first one was very small and the second one was at the justice of the peace. I had already purchased my dress and we were making plans. So to just have this small wedding was not at all what I planned. But I have to think of others also, so we made the decision to do it.

We are planning on renewing our vows in our church with our minister on our first anniversary. I will wear my wedding gown that I had already purchased and we will take a real honeymoon. So June 13, 2011 I must fit into my wedding dress. Hopefully it will have to be altered smaller.

Of course the day of the wedding, mother nature paid a visit, so the wedding night was not what I planned either.

One week later, while helping Shane move the rest of his stuff in. I was running from Shane, and my son accidentally tripped me, causing me to fall full force on my right knee. Fractured patella. Not fun, had to wear a leg brace for five weeks, no exercise, no driving (right knee-hard to drive with my leg straight).

Four days later, I had to be in court to answer the charges of contempt. I thought it was going to go in my favor for a few minutes, but alas the devil won again. He always seems to come out on top, no matter what the circumstance. So not only was I charged with contempt, I have to place the house on the market and keep all the payments current. AND I had 90 days to pay his attorney's fees. Great, now how was I to come up with $2995 (the figure they quoted in court)? I am by no means rich, I have a decent job, but the majority of my paycheck goes to paying back a loan that comes directly out of my check. So I live pay check to pay check. With Shane's added income, it would make the bills easier to pay, but not an additional $3000 in 90 days. SO...MORE STRESS AND EMOTIONAL EATING. There were some days I didn't know if I would make it through. I was very depressed and actually thought that if something dreadful happened to me, everyone would be better for it. I felt alone in many situations. My family was once very close, but now everyone lives somewhere else, so I have no emotional support from my family. They have their own lives, and I feel abandoned by them.

At a point in my life (before I had this loan to pay back) I was making pretty good money and I helped out my mom and my sister quite a great deal. But now my sister and her husband are doing pretty well for themselves and they have forgotten where they came from and what I had done for them. My mom moved to Las Vegas three years ago, to be closer to my sister because she thought I no longer had time for her because I was busy with work and my then-husband who had emotional needs that were more than I had ever imagined. She now lives in Wyoming with my sister. My older sister lives in Saudi Arabia and she does not talk to me. So this is why I feel abandoned.

My mother-in-law and my boss both suggested I get some kind of help for this depression I was in. But I just turned to food, it was the best medicine for me. After all it had been my friend for over 25 years.

JULY - I turned 44. This was a major emotional time for me. I looked at it as I was 44 years old and I had nothing. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I was still very depressed, and still eating emotionally. I couldn't figure out what to do to stop.

At some point, I did talk to a good friend of mine at church, and as I talked about all that was going on, I'm listening to myself and I'm like, what are you so depressed for, life will get better it can't always be like this. I have my kids, I have my husband, I have a few close friends, and I have my dogs. I have God and my church.

During this time, we were in the process of opening a new church campus. I poured myself into this, trying to find out why God was punishing me. What had I done so wrong in my life that I was being punished so severely. During July our Core Team for the new campus were meeting weekly at one of the team member's houses. It was such a bonding time for us. Just us and God.

AUGUST - The church did a Daniel Fast for 10 days before the new campus' Grand Opening. This really helped me immensely as there is a daily devotional that goes along with it. And as I prayed every day and fasted the light came on. I needed to get back to the task at hand, and get back on track with everything in my life. It wasn't going to get better on it's own, if I didn't take the bull by the horns, I was going to keep in going in this downward spiral, and it wasn't looking pretty. I could either keep on this path of destruction or I could make it better.

I finally got the house listed this month, so that's one monkey off my back. I still have to keep the payments up, while paying my present rent and bills, but I am getting some of the money back in rent from a tenant I have there. I was able to get a copy of the court Order, even though my attorney kept telling me one had not been signed. I finally went to the courthouse and just asked them, and low and behold there it was signed on July 16, and my attorney had told me that it was not signed yet on July 23. I think my attorney didn't know what the heck she was doing. Not only did I not feel I was represented adequately, but she refuses to return any of my phone calls since we were in court. She emails me responses to my phone calls (after I have called her at least 4 times). However, the court order says that I have to pay almost $3500 not the original $3000 that I was anticipating. And this has to be paid by September 23. I don't know how I am going to come up with this additional money, but somehow God willing I will have it, or I will go to jail. Now more added STRESS and Emotional Eating.

During the past 4 months I had gained back 15 pounds. During the fast I lost 5 of them.

SEPTEMBER - my baby boy turned 18 on September 1. This has been a constant battle also, as he has a girlfriend. They want her to move in with us (not happening), but she's here every weekend under the pretense that she is going to church with us. They then give me a hard time about getting up to go to church, so it's a constant battle. She is very disrespectful to her parents, which I will not put up with, and if my son thinks he is going to talk to me like she talks to her parents, I have already told him, he will be finding another place to live. Children think that when they turn 18 they are adults, and they can make all their own decisions. What makes them adults??? They have no jobs, no cars and no money. They depend on me to support them. I can no longer handle this, I will no longer take this.

Starting Tuesday (because Monday is a holiday and we already have plans for a cookout with the in-laws) I will be back on track. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE !!!!!

I have got to get this done. My feet and back kill me when I'm walking around all day. I am constantly tired and just plain worn out. When I'm not at work, I feel like I just want to sleep all the time.


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