Day 1 of the New Me - Starting over

WOW, I feel like I'm really going to do this. I still have some stressors in life, but I'm trying to give it all to God and let him work on it for a while.

Day one went really well, I did really well with my eating and my water. I didn't get in any exercise though. I have cancelled my gym membership because of a problem with the training contract and them continuing to take my money even after I cancelled. But that's another stressor all in itself.

We are looking at another gym, that my husband has access to through work. It is small but for only $52 a year for both of us, how can we pass it up. We were each paying $20 a month at the other gym, so for the both of us it was $40 a month vs $4.33 a month.

I did good with my food for the first day. I am allowing myself 1500 calories for now, and yesterday I logged 1451, so all in all it was good. I need to add more fruit and veggies and cut out the lattes'. Although I have developed my own latte, which is only 93 calories each. I use skim milk, sugar free french vanilla creamer and coffee and I envision it tastes just like Starbucks. It really a mind over matter thing.

So all in all my first day back was pretty good.


Every time you face a challenger, you are being tested as to how strong your beliefs and intentions are. People who go through great hardships achieve greatness. Confront your challenges with a brave face. The greater the challenge, the greater the gift of power. - A.C. Ping

Been Absent - But now I'm back

It's been a while, and a lot of things have happened. Some good, some bad, but a lot has gone on in the past 4 months.

Let's see - MAY ---STRESS --- I was served papers by my ex. He was suing me for contempt of court, because I could not keep up on the mortgage that was in both our names and I was contemplating bankruptcy. SO... talk about emotional eating, I had no clue how to get out of this one. The bankruptcy attorney told me I had to be three months past due on all the bills I

would include and so I was, now how was I to come up with three months of mortgage payments. I also had to get an attorney, how would I come up with this. EMOTIONAL EATING to say the least. And to top it all off, Shane's dad was back in the hospital and not doing well at all. He refuses to eat or drink. He has a lot of health issues, and he's not that old - only 64.

JUNE - Shane's dad still in hospital, getting worse. They really weren't sure if he would live. The only thing that was really keeping him going was the fact that he was going to be the best man in our wedding in October. He was only living for that. The doctor's had called us in and told us that they weren't sure he would make it, they called in cardiologists, gastro-interologists all kinds of doctors, but they couldn't find out exactly what was wrong with him. He was extremely malnourished, so they were going to put in a feeding tube. Shane and I decided that we were going to go ahead and get married at the hospital with just my kids, his mom and a select few friends. That way if his dad died, we could say that we had carried out his dying wish. It was very hard to make this decision. I had always wanted to have a nice wedding. I've been married twice before, and the first one was very small and the second one was at the justice of the peace. I had already purchased my dress and we were making plans. So to just have this small wedding was not at all what I planned. But I have to think of others also, so we made the decision to do it.

We are planning on renewing our vows in our church with our minister on our first anniversary. I will wear my wedding gown that I had already purchased and we will take a real honeymoon. So June 13, 2011 I must fit into my wedding dress. Hopefully it will have to be altered smaller.

Of course the day of the wedding, mother nature paid a visit, so the wedding night was not what I planned either.

One week later, while helping Shane move the rest of his stuff in. I was running from Shane, and my son accidentally tripped me, causing me to fall full force on my right knee. Fractured patella. Not fun, had to wear a leg brace for five weeks, no exercise, no driving (right knee-hard to drive with my leg straight).

Four days later, I had to be in court to answer the charges of contempt. I thought it was going to go in my favor for a few minutes, but alas the devil won again. He always seems to come out on top, no matter what the circumstance. So not only was I charged with contempt, I have to place the house on the market and keep all the payments current. AND I had 90 days to pay his attorney's fees. Great, now how was I to come up with $2995 (the figure they quoted in court)? I am by no means rich, I have a decent job, but the majority of my paycheck goes to paying back a loan that comes directly out of my check. So I live pay check to pay check. With Shane's added income, it would make the bills easier to pay, but not an additional $3000 in 90 days. SO...MORE STRESS AND EMOTIONAL EATING. There were some days I didn't know if I would make it through. I was very depressed and actually thought that if something dreadful happened to me, everyone would be better for it. I felt alone in many situations. My family was once very close, but now everyone lives somewhere else, so I have no emotional support from my family. They have their own lives, and I feel abandoned by them.

At a point in my life (before I had this loan to pay back) I was making pretty good money and I helped out my mom and my sister quite a great deal. But now my sister and her husband are doing pretty well for themselves and they have forgotten where they came from and what I had done for them. My mom moved to Las Vegas three years ago, to be closer to my sister because she thought I no longer had time for her because I was busy with work and my then-husband who had emotional needs that were more than I had ever imagined. She now lives in Wyoming with my sister. My older sister lives in Saudi Arabia and she does not talk to me. So this is why I feel abandoned.

My mother-in-law and my boss both suggested I get some kind of help for this depression I was in. But I just turned to food, it was the best medicine for me. After all it had been my friend for over 25 years.

JULY - I turned 44. This was a major emotional time for me. I looked at it as I was 44 years old and I had nothing. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I was still very depressed, and still eating emotionally. I couldn't figure out what to do to stop.

At some point, I did talk to a good friend of mine at church, and as I talked about all that was going on, I'm listening to myself and I'm like, what are you so depressed for, life will get better it can't always be like this. I have my kids, I have my husband, I have a few close friends, and I have my dogs. I have God and my church.

During this time, we were in the process of opening a new church campus. I poured myself into this, trying to find out why God was punishing me. What had I done so wrong in my life that I was being punished so severely. During July our Core Team for the new campus were meeting weekly at one of the team member's houses. It was such a bonding time for us. Just us and God.

AUGUST - The church did a Daniel Fast for 10 days before the new campus' Grand Opening. This really helped me immensely as there is a daily devotional that goes along with it. And as I prayed every day and fasted the light came on. I needed to get back to the task at hand, and get back on track with everything in my life. It wasn't going to get better on it's own, if I didn't take the bull by the horns, I was going to keep in going in this downward spiral, and it wasn't looking pretty. I could either keep on this path of destruction or I could make it better.

I finally got the house listed this month, so that's one monkey off my back. I still have to keep the payments up, while paying my present rent and bills, but I am getting some of the money back in rent from a tenant I have there. I was able to get a copy of the court Order, even though my attorney kept telling me one had not been signed. I finally went to the courthouse and just asked them, and low and behold there it was signed on July 16, and my attorney had told me that it was not signed yet on July 23. I think my attorney didn't know what the heck she was doing. Not only did I not feel I was represented adequately, but she refuses to return any of my phone calls since we were in court. She emails me responses to my phone calls (after I have called her at least 4 times). However, the court order says that I have to pay almost $3500 not the original $3000 that I was anticipating. And this has to be paid by September 23. I don't know how I am going to come up with this additional money, but somehow God willing I will have it, or I will go to jail. Now more added STRESS and Emotional Eating.

During the past 4 months I had gained back 15 pounds. During the fast I lost 5 of them.

SEPTEMBER - my baby boy turned 18 on September 1. This has been a constant battle also, as he has a girlfriend. They want her to move in with us (not happening), but she's here every weekend under the pretense that she is going to church with us. They then give me a hard time about getting up to go to church, so it's a constant battle. She is very disrespectful to her parents, which I will not put up with, and if my son thinks he is going to talk to me like she talks to her parents, I have already told him, he will be finding another place to live. Children think that when they turn 18 they are adults, and they can make all their own decisions. What makes them adults??? They have no jobs, no cars and no money. They depend on me to support them. I can no longer handle this, I will no longer take this.

Starting Tuesday (because Monday is a holiday and we already have plans for a cookout with the in-laws) I will be back on track. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE !!!!!

I have got to get this done. My feet and back kill me when I'm walking around all day. I am constantly tired and just plain worn out. When I'm not at work, I feel like I just want to sleep all the time.

SO IT'S MY TIME...I AM GOING TO DO THIS NOW...I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK!!!!

Summer Challenge

I have joined my daughter, Kandice's, summer challenge.

So now, I can't remember all the rules but I do remember I am supposed to post a pic of my scale for my starting weight as of this morning,

Yes that is right, 189.5. I am still under 190 so I'm doing pretty good. I'm under a lot of stress right now, but I've got to do this. My goal is to lose 10 pounds a month or 30 pounds for the challenge.

I have a special reason for wanting to do this, and an added incentive. My wedding...yes we have set the date 10-10-10. I went with Kandice and Tammy last week and picked out the dress. I love it, and since my fiancee' does not read my blog I am posting a pic of it.

Yeah Me !!!! Fittin into smaller sizes

Very, very excited right now. I went to try on wedding dresses yesterday. I go into the bridal shop and the girl asks me what size I wear. I've been wearing 18's. some 16's. So I tell her 18 cuz I know they are usually smaller and I don't want to be miserable. She tells me how the dresses are made smaller and I will probably want to go up a size, maybe two. SO we're looking at 20's and 22's. I pick out the ones that I like, and go to try it on. A 22 just swallows me whole, tons of wiggle room, practically fell off me. So the girl looks at it and goes to get me a smaller size. She brings it back I look at the size and it's a 16. I'm thinking there is no way. So I am extra careful when squeezing my hips into it hoping I won't break the zipper and have to buy it anyway. But to my surprise I was able to pull it right up. I walk outside the dressing room and my daughter is helping me zip it up and I'm sucking in...and it's not fitting. I didn't really expect it to. The girl comes back with a veil, and she looks at the dress and she says I'm gonna fix this, and zips it right up. IT FIT!!!! A SIZE 16 FIT!!!!! After she got it zipped and everything it really wasn't uncomfortable, I didn't feel like I was holding my breath or like the zipper would break if I did take a deep breath. SO EXCITED!!!! IT FIT!!!

Since my fiancee' does not read my blog I'm gonna post the pic, so everyone can see.

Valentines Day 2010

Valentines Day is a special day to spend with the ones you love. And guess what??? The boyfriend popped the question. I was so surprised. I knew he was planning something, but I had no idea what magnitude it would be.

We went out to dinner, very nice seafood restaurant, and we ordered the valentines day special. Filet Minon and Lobster tail, and I ate every bit of it. It was delicious. This was a special day and I didn't even watch the calories. We did however go for lunch to miss the crowds, and I did work out this morning, and then just had a snack later.

The proposal was very romantic. We had dinner and the manager comes over and asks if we wanted dessert, well of course I want dessert. They had the best looking desserts. I ordered the key lime pie and we shared it. The manager, not our server, brings it to me. And on the plate with my dessert is a ring!!! OMG...it was beautiful and I started crying. As they set the plate down, and I'm crying, he gets down on one knee beside the table and asks me to marry him. OH MY, I am really crying now, so sweet. Of course I said YES. Then there were lots of congratulations because everyone in the restaurant is watching and the manager brings us champagne to celebrate. It is a beautiful pink diamond with a diamond band. It has been handed down from his grandmother, so that makes it even more special. There was evidently a lot of planning that went into this proposal that I had no clue about. Everyone knew about it but me. Thanks Tammy you could have given me a mascara alert!!!!

So this post has nothing to do with my weight loss, but everything to do with bad eating, but today...for just one day, I don't care. I will get back to it tomorrow.

Week 21 Weigh Day & Mindless eating

Friday morning weigh in, oh how I so look forward to stepping on that scale. Well I was down exactly 1 pound today, which I am fairly happy with.

For the most part I have eaten pretty good this week, but in analyzing my week, I don't think I have had enough water. I have been very busy at work this week with training for new job tasks and conversion of my previous work load to another office. I have a 64 oz water bottle and I try to drink two a day, which most days I do at least 1 and a half, then I have two 16 oz bottles of water during after workout and with dinner. Which all in all if I did it every day would be GREAT. However, when I'm busy, on conference calls, online training, etc I sometimes forget to drink my water. Then as I'm leaving work there is my empty bottle and I think to myself I never did back to the water cooler to fill that up. And after that it is impossible to make it up. After my workout I drink a bottle of water with dinner then have nothing else the rest of the evening. I should probably have another 32 oz or so before bedtime, but find it hard to do this. Also when I'm at home I find it hard to get all my water in. At work it's right there, but at home I'm busy doing everything that I can't get done during the week and I forget to drink my water. Like right now, it's 10:30am and I have had no water. At work I have generally already had at least a half a bottle.

Better go get some water!!!!

Now the mindless eating, Thursday (day before weigh in) I was on a training conference call for 2 1/2 hours. I had planned on going to Publix to get a wrap for lunch. However, with the conference call lasting through my morning snack and into lunch that was out the window. The secretary came in the with the local pizza place delivery menu and waved it at me. I was starved and of course said yes. But I did get good toppings (kinda) artichoke hearts and procuitto ham. However, still on the conference call when pizza gets there I am mindlessly eating this lovely, flavorful pizza and look down and have I eaten half the pizza. What is wrong with me??? I have a session with my personal trainer tonight, I'm not going to be able to move. Well as it turns out he worked us out HARD that night and I was able to move, but felt sluggish. And the day before weigh in. So that is why I am happy with a 1 pound loss.

So here's to a better week next week.

Week 20 - Weigh Day

WooHoo, I'm on the right track now.

I am down to 194.4 this week, a 2.2 loss. I think this trainer is going to work. We have been working out on our own, doing the weight machines they told us to do at the other gym, but I really just haven't been feeling it. Now I'm feeling it. We don't work out on that many machines, and our trainer, Chris, is showing us how to do the weights and things so we can do it without him. Starting next week we will only be seeing him once a week, but we should still be doing strength training at least two other days. So know what we should and exactly how to do it is the key. I have been doing extra cardio also. Chris says extra cardio is just a bonus. I like bonuses. On Thursday we worked out with Chris, I got to the gym early (I'm usually late) and went on in did the massage chair (a perk of membership) and started on my cardio warmup. I did 30 minutes before our session, did our 30 minute session and then another 20 minutes. Boy are my glutes and hamstrings hurting. Friday night Tammy doesn't go to the gym, so I met my boyfriend there and I did 35 minutes of elliptical. I needed to do some abs, but didn't because I was tired and it has been a long week.

Next week I plan on getting up early every day and going to the gym on my way to work and do at least 30 minutes of cardio. Then back to the gym after work for more cardio, abs and workout. I am going to accomplish my goals this time. I AM GOING TO DO THIS.

On another note have I said how much I hate traffic. In Atlanta if it rains people suddenly become driving idiots. AND we have had our fair share, and everyone elses share, of RAIN. I am beginning to hate rain. BRING ON THE SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!!!! This past week it has been a bear every single day getting to work and back home in the freaking traffic. I work 32.8 miles from my house, a typical 35 minute drive. Monday 1.25 hours to work, an hour home. Tuesday 2 hours to work, 2.25 hours home. Tuesday I had a training session at 6:30, left work at 5 got there at 7:15. Needless to say I missed my session and we rescheduled for Wednesday. Wednesday was an okay day, traffic wise. 1 hour to work and 1hour home. Since I had the training session rescheduled for Wednesday I left work at 4:45 to make sure I got there on time this time. Thursday 1.5 hours to work and again I left early to make my training session, so it only took me an hour. FRIDAY - 3 HOURS TO WORK, 2 HOURS HOME!!!!! Yeah in case you can't tell I hate traffic. I have proposed moving our office half way between my house and where it is now, it seem like all the accidents happen after this point. Sounded like a good plan to me. Maybe if we did that I could get home, which would be a 15 minute drive from there, in only 45 minutes. And they say Atlanta is only like #22 with the worst traffic. Yeah don't think I want to move anywhere else that has traffic.

I am so ready for Sp...Summer. I started to say Spring, but it rains a lot in Spring too. I really like the weather of Spring, but hate the rain. I don't really like the extremely hot temperatures of summer, it gets to about 98 with 95% humidity around here. But I don't like the cold either. We had our week of winter weather, now it can go away. I know it's much worse other places, but that's why I live in the South, not really bad winters. It is 42 degrees right now, so it's really not that cold, but I like 60 better. I think 70 degrees year round with rain once a month would be a great climate to live in.

Enough ranting about the weather and TRAAFFICC!!! I just thank God everyday that I am alive and getting healthier. I want to lead a healthy life for ME and for God. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's almost unbearable, but in all times give praise to God and it will turn out alright.

Time to go work out again, so more later.